Proofreaders are slaves to the written word. We sit and stare at ream after ream of nonsense copy, untangling sentences and removing excess punctuation until the inside of our eyes bleed. But you can make life easier for the proofreader in your life just by following these ten simple rules:
1. If you don’t know how to use; a semicolon; don’t. The semicolon is a tricksy little bitch. I only learnt the correct use a little while ago, and I’ve been working as a professional writer for several years now. I still don’t know if I’m always using it correctly. But what I do know is it isn’t something you use unless you’re totally sure you’re in the right. Oh, what the heck, stick it in where you like; you’re going to anyway.
2. It’s just not British to use ‘z’ quite so often. Microsoft Word is deceitful. It will betray you. You can set it to British English as many times as you like, but it will still change ‘organisation’ to ‘organization’ every single time. Be a little self-aware and notice auto changes; it will save your word slave no end of tedious find-and-replace activity.
3. Stop, putting fucking, commas, everywhere, please! Really, what makes you think that a single paragraph requires quite so many opportunities to pause and breathe?
4. We understand numbers as well as words, you know.
If your document is 59 pages long, don’t get us to agree to doing it by claiming ‘it’s only ten pages’. You will be found out about four seconds after we open the document, and then we’ll be even more bad-tempered than we already are on an average working day.
5. Don’t do the work yourself and not tell us.
We understand you’re busy, so how about a little understanding in return? We’re also familiar with the concept of deadlines: we have them too. Your deadlines become our deadlines. If at all possible, we will try and meet our deadline and therefore help you meet your deadline. But should said deadline suddenly creep too close for comfort, don’t think that damn lazy proofreader of yours is ignoring the work at hand and do a slapdash proofing job yourself – it’s just going to end in tears. Whose tears? Why, those of the proofreader, of course. And those tears will be of frustration, maybe even anger. There is nothing worse in our eyes than someone assigning work and then deciding to do it themselves without firing off an email to the word slave they’ve previously briefed, especially if you only let on once the completed job has been delivered to you.
We have long memories, you know. Don’t waste our precious time.
6. Just because we’re good with words, it doesn’t make us linguistic superheroes. When we get sent a document where the word count runs into the tens of thousands and see the immortal words ‘Can I get this back tomorrow?’ accompanying it, we hate you more than anyone else in the world. What you appear to have done is confuse a normal human being with 1980s hero and friend to racist depictions of Indians, Johnny 5. He may be able to devour massive texts in a matter of seconds, but we are blessed only with a slightly superior eye for comma abuse than you are. You’re mental if you think otherwise.
7. Have you forgotten what the fucking spellchecker is for? So you’ve finished your big presentation, hurray! What now? Well, at some point soon you’ll send it to be proofread, so in the meantime you read it through yourself and run the spellchecker for good measure, right? Of course you do. The spellcheck function is brilliant. Sure, it may tell you to put a z instead of an s, but it’ll pick up on your wildly incorrect spelling at the same time. Doing this takes two seconds and helps your proofreader no end. Oh, and it makes you look like less of a lazy jackass to boot. Bonus!
8. We understand numbers as well as words, you know. This one bears repeating. READ IT, REMEMBER IT: THIS ADVICE IS PRICELESS.
9. Send it when you say you will.
10am:
“I need this done ASAP, word slave! I have a presentation at 4 and I will send it at 1! Work through your lunch break to accommodate me! It’s coming at 1! Definitely at 1! I WILL DELIVER THIS WORK AT 1 AND I NEED IT BACK FOR 4!”
…
3.30pm:
“Sorry this is a little late. Can I still get it back for 4?”
No.
10. Say “thank you”.
Didn’t your parents teach you anything? If a proofreader has transformed your word jumble into a coherent piece of copy, have the common courtesy to thank your word slave for all their help. Getting paid is fine and dandy, but a little bit of appreciation goes an awful long way. We’re like bar staff: we’ll serve you quicker next round if you’re not an unappreciative toolbox the first time you want something from us. Two little words and a second of your time. Go on. Just try.
