This pin used to hold a pearl the size of your eye. Look at me now! LOOK AT ME NOW! I’m wearing a cardboard belt!

Unless you’re one of those tiresome people who bleats on about the merits of ‘never watching TV’, it’s likely you’ll have seen the new Davidoff ad featuring Ewan McGregor. If you haven’t and want to carry on thinking Ewan’s an alright sort, I would advise against clicking on this here YouTube window.

Horrible, isn’t it? The first time I saw it I was left with my head in my hands, feeling layer upon layer of treacle-thick shame by proxy. ‘Why Ewan?’ I whimpered. ‘Why did you do it?’

I’ve since seen colleagues and netlings alike react in exactly the same way, and rightfully so - Ewan has ruined himself for years to come with this thirty-second folly. Rainwater must have been trickling through the knackered ceiling and directly into the bed of his infant child for him to have been this desperate for cash. Right? Right?!

Truth is, it probably wasn’t. Maybe he just fancied some new saddlebags for his motorbike, no doubt fashioned from the skins of one-hundred-and-one dalmations. Those pups don’t come cheap, you know.

Anyway, here’s the real point: why do I feel such disappointment in Ewan for selling out? Sure, he’s a fine actor and terribly good looking, but what has he done film-wise to elicit such horror over his unwise ad deal? Let’s take a look at his IMDB for a second. Ooh, Shallow Grave, that was a good ‘un. And Trainspotting, no-one could say that wasn’t a fine film. Little Voice, Brassed Off - excellent Sunday fodder if you like your Film4 productions about it being grim oop norf, and all that.

After that his CV starts to look a bit shaky. We’ll pretend Velvet Goldmine never happened, and I’m going to go out on a limb and say those Star Wars films weren’t as ace as people hoped for.  What else? Moulin Rouge (irritating beyond all comprehension), Down With Love (pelt him! pelt him in his plastic face!), Robots (piss-poor animation by numbers), Miss Potter (kill. me.), Scenes of a Sexual Nature (the worst film of 2006)… What has Ewan McGregor done that’s worthy of respect in the last twelve years?

Ridden around on a big motorbike, that’s what.

The Long Way Down (or Around, or Up, or About) was a fascinating series, for sure, but when all Ewan has to his name is a reality show and two great films from the early nineties, why are we all so horrified when he makes a dodgy ad?

It’s because we remember the good days. We still embrace the likes of Renton and Alex in our memories and pretend that Ewan McGregor is as good at making professional choices as he is at acting. The sad fact is, it’s just not true – he was a lost cause years ago. Little cartoon dollar signs have been flashing in his eyes for the last decade, whether we’ve noticed it or not.

On the upside, there are always plenty of clever dicks who make wonderful parodies for our amusement. This is how it should have gone:

At the other end of the scale, there are the beloved celebs who you know really are doing it to fix the leak into little Pippa’s crib. What’s on the end of the stick, Vic? Oh look, it’s this month’s mortgage repayment in exchange for your dignity!

For shame.