If there’s one thing that makes me twitch like South Park’s screwy-faced caffeine addict Butters, it’s that fucking horrible Chanel advert that Kiera Knightley is running around giggling like a tit in.
Firstly, it combines two women I could happily blast off into space without a second thought: the aforementioned Ms. Kiera, and that greasy-looking barefooted honk-machine Joss Stone, who entertains our ears with the curious sound of an elephant seal in the throes of death. Or, as she charmingly calls it, singing.
Secondly, what exactly is going on? I seriously do not get the plot of this ad. I don’t care if it’s ‘arty’, there’s clearly meant to be some sort of story told in this promo. So here’s my attempt to explain what’s going on:
[0.00]
Kiera walks in through an unlocked window at dawn wearing a white shirt, a bowler hat and an ankle chain. She flings off the shirt and hat and catches sight of herself in the mirror. Far from being horrified, she thinks, ‘Gosh, but I’m lovely! I should go out on the town and find a scrummy fella! Tee hee!’ She then tarts herself up, pouts at herself in the mirror, thinks about how bloody yummy she is for another decade, and then hides a bottle of perfume behind her back in a sneaky fashion.
[0.23]
At this point I start to wonder if she’s either (a) broken into some random’s house; or (b) she’s playing dress up in Mummy’s spiffingly ginormous wardrobe. Mummy would be terribly upset if she found Kiera playing with her Very Expensive Perfume… Either way, Kiera runs her finger up her calf and then gurns at the camera with an umistakable look that says I’M GOING TO EAT YOUR BRAINS. Or maybe I’M GONNA SEX YOU UP HUH HUH HUH. I reckon it’s a combination of both. She’s going to coax a shameful ejaculation from your reluctant but untimately weak penis, and then she’s going to EAT YOUR BRAINS.
[0.34]
Anyway, she has strutting to do first. ‘Strut strut, gosh, I look so foxy! Good job Mummy didn’t see me steal her perfume! I have a man to mark!’ See that? See what she did? She marked that man with her death scent, and then she LAUGHED. She’s labelled him and his posh chums as potential brains for later. She’s gonna munch them all down, just you wait.
[0.47]
BUT WAIT! What’s this? There’s a black and white Kiera staring at us from every angle, looking deeply perturbed. You know what that is, don’t you? THAT’S THE REAL KIERA. This perfume-smearing, pouty gimp is merely a monster who has possessed the Real Kiera’s body and is using it in order to snare men, ride them with boney determination and then EAT. THEIR. BRAINS. The Real Kiera is trapped in some odd dimension that reflects her from every surface, but the reflection only appears to the Demon Kiera.
‘Save me!’ Real Kiera pleads. ‘Someone, save me!’
‘HA HA HA HA HA!’ laughs the Demon Kiera. ‘Save your pleas, you tiny fool, for I have men ensnared and brains to eat. Away, away to your miserable life trapped within the walls of every building, invisible to all but ME! AHAHAHAHAHA!’
The end.
